dream*log

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=779150" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#6666FF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="04200760egblyg.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#330066" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Eyes Closed, Free Falling</b></FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#CC3399" FACE="Times New Roman" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#3300FF" FACE="Times New Roman" >  </FONT><B> |     </b><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eyes Closed, Free Falling"><U><B>home</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Dream"><U>The Dream</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id27.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Output"><U>Output</U></A>   |   <B>dream*log </b>   |   <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Archive of output"><U>Archive of output</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" Links"><U> Links</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=193 BGCOLOR="#6633FF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B><IMG SRC="18196d30.jpg" border=0 width="150" height="211" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></b></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#6633FF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>dream*log </b></div> <div> yeah, yeah, yeah....back entries will be housed here...even<I><B> I'm </b></I>tired of all that scrolling....</div> <div> 1-28-03 10:00 p.m.</div> <div> Eating grape fruit again. I wish I had stolen his lucky blue shirt. It wasn't even blue at all. It was pale gray. Well made, and fit just right...nothing on underneath, grape fruit and Bjork playing...*smiles*</div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="176c8960.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> 1-21-03</div> <div> *sighs*</div> <div> I'm giving myself 20 minutes to spill my guts...the clock starts now...</div> <div> My stomach feels as tho it is filled with snakes-the classic symptom of my manifested anxieties. And, like Sisyphus, I feel equally as futile in all the pursuits of my mind. The endless tracks, the vague whispers and hints of clues that lead in circles only serve to render me inert.</div> <bR> <div> I couldn't sleep last night. As I lay down in the darkness, my mind raced through the misery and frustrating decay of the world I am subject to living in, the world that has always been something of a repellent to me and I thought to myself: it is relentless, this great writhing mass of unhappy humanity-like an avalanche of distorted reasoning and confused states of being. I realized tho that if I followed this path of thinking I would only bury myself in the rock slide of the details attached to this mountain of thought. So I did what I always have done. </div> <bR> <div> I closed my eyes and fell into that place, that home I am reluctant to call my home: the fortress where I hide everything that threatens to consume me. I walked the halls and found an inner room with a box and into I poured all of this insanity and then I slammed the lid down and retreated to the outer courtyard...the garden labyrinth where the hedge is made of the rampant roses I knew in my childhood. I fled my thoughts for the millionth time and I still did not sleep, but fretted my heart out over things I could not recall upon dawn presenting itself.</div> <bR> <div> How can I continue? And yet retreat is not an option. Failure has never been an option. Death, perhaps; but falling back to old and useless roads, never....</div> <bR> <div> And so I am faced with carving new roads out of sheer rock face of the mountain of thought that oppresses my every breath.</div> <bR> <div> How? How? </div> <div> One minute to spare and no answers.</div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="16940f00.jpg" border=0 width="320" height="240" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <div> 1-05-03</div> <div> A new year is starting, fresh, and yet somehow already full of worries and concerns, problems that need solving, equations that need adding up.</div> <div> I've always hated January...*laughs* it's so dull and dreary and weighed down with other ppl's crappy resolutions (I don't make them, EVER)...</div> <div> But this year seems different..</div> <div> I don't know......it could be the love thing, but this year seems to have rainbows mixed in with the darkness of the storm clouds that hang on the horizon near the mountains...*smiles*</div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="1502ce10.jpg" border=0 width="300" height="225" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> A picture is worth a thousand words...</div> <div> I wonder what these three would say...</div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="1522ce10.jpg" border=0 width="300" height="225" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="1612ce10.jpg" border=0 width="300" height="225" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <div> 12-10-02 9:48 pm</div> <div> If this thing seems abandoned it's because I have too much to deal with.</div> <div> My dad died this morning. When I take care of all those things that need to be taken care of perhaps I'll be back. And perhaps I won't be.</div> <div> I don't know.</div> <bR> <div> 11-24-02 4:34 PM</div> <div> conflicted as usual....wanting what I know is impossible...trying to suck every drop of worth from what I know is fruitless, travelling the dead end and wishing I had some way to make it extend....</div> <div> I drive myself into frothing rages of frustration I create from my own desires....and my desires are dangerous....*laughs*</div> <div> the noise in here is getting louder...I'd tell myself to shut up, but I doubt I'd hear it....</div> <bR> <bR> <div> november 1st near midnight</div> <div> okay so you know that feeling you get when you've been hiding from something, avoiding something and finally you don't want to slip past it anymore? That need to confront...</div> <div> That's me..I've been pushing this depression off my agenda for weeks now...ignoring it, minimizing it...and now I'm ready. Not to wallow, no, not that at all....but to run into it head on and then rip thru it and emerge on the otherside of it like some sort of christening...</div> <div> Sitting in the dark at the comp like I haven't in so long...who knew I'd have the time to do this? I've been so ill lately...wiped out..I thought for sure I'd be in bed by now...</div> <div> I keep replaying him...over and over and looking for the ways I should have run when I had the chance...why did I stay when I should have fled?</div> <div> I keep going over all that time and wondering why it is I can't seem to heal those cracks, those fissures, those gaping wounds I hide under a thick layer of social plaster...and what of the other wounds? Older wounds also tucked neatly away so as not to interfere with my personal drives....</div> <div> What is it that I'm not doing? I comb over them and pry at them and learn all I can from the details so helpfully burned into my memory....but it doesn't make it better...why is that? </div> <div> It's been snowing for days and the weather makes me cold thru and thru..</div> <div> What is warmth anyway?</div> <bR> <div> 10-22-02 6:05 pm</div> <div> I feel like something is not right inside and I know from whence it comes,</div> <div> but I feel powerless to stop or alter it...</div> <div> *sighs*</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 10-02-02 9:33 p.m.</div> <div> Okay....I really need to stop living more richly, more joyously in my head than I do in my real life...this alternate reality is making my primary existence seem hard to deal with...</div> <bR> <div> october first, two thousand two, nine o'clock and twelve minutes after the hour</div> <bR> <div> yeah...so I was sitting on a bus stop on my way home from work and I'm laboring over Emily Dickinson-whom I have never really gotten a solid feel for-and I notice I am being observed. Observed. Not stared at like usual,</div> <div> not leered at or cruised, just quietly observed by a man who appeared to be homeless...sitting on the bench beside me..and he asks me what I'm reading.</div> <div> He scopes the cover and nods. He's heard her name and never read her.</div> <div> He asks me to pick a poem and read it to him and I can't think of anything to do but agree....so I leaf through the pages looking for a poem I can feel, I can wrap my emotions around..and I end up finding a page with the corner bent down, earmarked by the previous owner, so I stop there and begin to read:</div> <bR> <div> The Malay-took the Pearl-</div> <div> I-feared the Sea-too much</div> <div> Unsanctified-to touch-</div> <bR> <div> Praying that I might be</div> <div> Worthy-the Destiny-</div> <div> The Swarthy fellow swam-</div> <div> and bore my Jewel-Home-</div> <bR> <div> Home to the Hut! What lot</div> <div> Had I- the Jewel-got-</div> <div> Borne on a Dusky Breast-</div> <div> I had not deemed a Vest</div> <div> of Amber-fit-</div> <bR> <div> The Negro never knew</div> <div> I-Wooed it-too-</div> <div> To gain, or be undone-</div> <div> Alike to Him-One</div> <bR> <div> and the homeless fellow asked me what I thought it meant and without pausing to consider my words I replied carelessly that it meant to me that life is never what one expects or bargains for and that no one ever sees the same things with the same eyes, try tho they might...</div> <div> And now I sit here and I wonder where the hell I came up with that answer and why...and I'm confused about certain other things, my motivations, my desires for a certain action or rather, lack of action and I've no one to discuss it clearly with for my feelings form a tangled web I cannot unweave to make straight sense of; I only know what it is that is underneath and that it is a sort of longing...</div> <bR> <div> 9-26-02 6:08 p.m.</div> <div> This feels like it might be a long one...</div> <div> there are so many things fighting for precedence in my mind...literary ideals, concepts about communication, understanding, mutuality, commanality and meeting places which exist only in the interior places of the mind...</div> <bR> <div> And thrown in there liberally are my own strivings with not only artistic truth and integrity, but my ethical and moral integrity...my inability to continue to work where I work, doing what I do because of my own violent rejection of traditional educational paths, of american ideals and standards...</div> <bR> <div> Toss in the manic upheavals in my continuing struggle with the chemicals that hold sway in my brain and add a little anxiety with just enough sudden death and you will have my state of being at the moment.</div> <bR> <div> I am still on hiatus while I assess what exactly it is I wish to express and why...still quietly taking in my world and attempting to process it in ways that will allow me to grow. </div> <div> I know there are some out there who like my poetry, my musings. To you I say: Thank You. Your kindness has shown me that I must proceed with this experiment. So I go on.</div> <div>  I am an explorer, Marco Polo in the land of Huns, an envoy to the savageness I would come to agreement with.  I can't begin to forsee the way to begin this new leg of my journey, but I am sure it will come to me in my waking dreams, just as before.</div> <div> There is someone out there I would wish to comprehend all of these things.</div> <div> There is someone out there </div> <div> We just haven't shaken hands yet</div> <bR> <div> o..and I've decided to post a new something in Output, just because.</div> <bR> <div> 9-16-02 10:36 p.m.</div> <div> Hoo haa haa...new pics in the photo gallery and a new painting in Visual..</div> <div> a new guest image up also... I think that about covers it all...</div> <bR> <div> 9-15-02 9:39 p.m.</div> <div> Inbetween..and nothing fits..I don't fit..</div> <bR> <div> 8-28-02 11:07 p.m.</div> <div> Someone please explain the nature of admiration to me...*concept=abstract*</div> <bR> <div> 8-27-02 8:30 p.m.</div> <div> New art in Visual..that's about all. I've hit something of a silent patch....</div> <bR> <div> 8-23-02 7:27 p.m</div> <div> If there are no new poems in Output, don't fret....it's only because I am choosing hibernation...having received some very useful critique, I am left to reassess...who knows how it will turn out in the end...</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 8-09-02 6:50 p.m.</div> <div> I think I need to crouch in a locked bathroom somewhere and rock myself while hyperventilating.....*this* close to being unable to function emotionally...</div> <bR> <div> 7-25-02 5:39 p.m.</div> <div> The thing is...I'm totally focused on one thing, on one path, and I am not liking it when curves appear in my way...*grrrs* I dislike being distracted, but I am totally distracted. And by what? *shakes her head*</div> <div> I don't even know what to say for myself...nothing seems to cover how I feel...colors and shifting light...nothing so solid that words can be used to convey it's weight.</div> <bR> <div> 7-24-02 9:39 p.m.</div> <div> Somewhere along the way, I've come to view my heart, my entire internal world as a garden. A vast region of now cultivated fruit and flower bearing plants that I had previously allowed to run rampant and unchecked....Somewhere along the way I decided it need shaping, tending, pruning, clearing...So now it has form, and paths, and arbors and places for the public to see, and places hidden from view.</div> <div> There's only one thing I can complain about in this botanical world...sometimes...just sometimes some errant seed will land on some walkway not often used and beging to sprout out of sight..some exotic sapling will take root in the barreness of the pebble packed path.</div> <div> Unnoticed. Heedless of the harshness of this tightly compacted soil.</div> <div> Watered only by dew and rain fall, pruned only by sharp gusts of wind...</div> <div> When I do find it, proud, tall and alone, even tho I know I should uproot it because it doesn't belong, I am fascinated by it's ability to thrive against the double barriers of my neglect and the inhospitality of the soil it's rooted in. In my soul I know it can't survive the way the other plants do. In my heart I know it's days are numbered, logically I know also that if left alone it cuold reveal its self to be a danger, a threat to the carefully cultivated flora I am so fond of... But I can't bring myself to cut those days off immediately. So I wait. And watch. To see how long this sapling will try to force it's way through the hardness and dryness...to see if it is harmful.</div> <div> Once I've discovered where it is, I check on it. I don't help it, if I can avoid it; but sometimes I almost wish it was a plant of a variety I desired so I could transplant it to a location better for it's continued health. Sometimes I feel such sorrow that I cannot keep it, lovely weed that it is.</div> <div> And sometimes it manages to grow, to mature, to become full grown...and then I really am forced to hack at it with my machete until it is cleared away.  Even then I can't be sure how deep the roots go...and I keep revisiting the site, searching the ground for the system I know is there, but can't see, or even fully eradicate. And I know that forever, the roots of this tree will be embedded in the very fibre of this garden-like me.</div> <bR> <div> *smiles* yeah..he's still there, underneath it all..not growing anymore, but not wiped totally out of being..and see..I think, that if I look very closely, in some other quiet, disused part of me, I can see what appears to be a very small seedling..growing all alone, tender, vulnerable, unstable..but I haven't got the fortitude to pluck it out and watch it wilt in my two fingers.</div> <div> I wonder how much time it has got...?</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 7-21-02 12:19 a.m.</div> <div> I love my friends..they send me things like this:</div> <div> <IMG SRC="10a64640.gif" border=0 width="100" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> thanks dude..you know who you are!</div> <bR> <div> 7-19-02 6:28 p.m.</div> <div> It's inevitable I know..but at the same time it still feels like something of a defeat...I'm sliding slowly, inexorably toward a valley and I know it. Whether it's a quiet, solemn valley, or a true vale of death has yet to be seen...but nothing I can do will prevent my descent. I can only delay it slightly. This melancholy has been creeping up for some time now, marked only by my propensity to notice with a pang the numerous small sadnesses that litter the day with an acute sense of desperanza....I know. That was a run on sentence. *laughs* go on...tell me you understand. You don't understand. But that's okay. So long as you don't run away...</div> <div> You won't run away will you? ahh..who am I kidding? *shrugs*</div> <div> Running away is the only thing that makes sense right now...</div> <bR> <div> 7-17-02 9:00 p.m.</div> <div> So I'm back home again...L.A was fun...I had a great time with my family and all that...I'm too lazy to go into detail., but I will say that meeting a friend from online was a very good experience...to give a real hug instead of a text hug was very nice...</div> <div> My mind is a morass lately. I swamp of old memories and new experiences and a drive to be remade like never before....</div> <bR> <div> 7-06-02 11:05 p.m.</div> <div> The past refuses to die...*he* refuses to die...*slams her head into a concrete wall vigorously* *screams primally until I pass out* He's like a plague, an infection...like a flesh eating bacterium. A joke cracking,</div> <div> deliberately oblivious, vodka swilling, insanely russian infectious bacterium.</div> <div> melodramatic. jockular. undeterred. and he can still make me laugh even when I don't want to...*hates that*</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 7-01-02 5:36 p.m.</div> <div> Okay well..I chose pills. The dreams were the deciding factor. I could not  finally go to sleep one more night only to be horrified by the images in my head for five hours straight. I elected to simply go without dreaming anything at all. Not that anyone who is reading this would care to know these details, the minutiae of a single existence...</div> <div> *yawns*</div> <div> And I have been thinking lately too much about fear. What it is to really fear...I mean..ppl have so many soft fears..gentle fears. The fear of failure, the fear of being alone, the fear committment...but what of the kind of fear that allows no peace, no quiet, no rest? I think that kind of fear has slipped away from mankind in our civilizations...by our supposed taming of most of the unknown...how else can the existence of horror films and dangerous amusement park rides be explained?</div> <div> But in my dreams..the real fear is there...fear of things that have nothing to do with such trifles as heights or ppl..or death even....the fear that grips me in the night is of a far grander scope...and it is not one which will ever be spoken by these lips or these fingertips. It is mine and mine only and will go with me where ever I care to go...</div> <div> O yeah...I deleted a couple of pages here...low traffic areas that really had outlived their necessity. I think it's time for me to change a lot of things around here. I'm dissatisfed with it the way it is and I'm not sure what all I plan on doing yet...look for many things to disappear...</div> <bR> <div> 6-27-02 11:50 p.m.</div> <div> Lack of sleep has made me somewhat insane...*sighs* I think I need to figure out a new way of coping...I'm tired of the same old routine..pills or booze? pills.....or booooze..*laughs*</div> <div> Is there anything in this world that can give me sleep? Sweet, normal sleep....*stays up and contemplates this* New poem in Output...</div> <bR> <div> 6-20-02 1:12 p.m.</div> <div> I'm listening to a song by Iodine...he has a voice like walking hand in hand and telling secrets...and I wonder why I have this site anymore. It's original purpose was to ease me into the concept of sharing myself with strangers and now that it's gotten comfortable I'm beginning to wonder who reads this at all and if they really need me to go on sharing....</div> <bR> <div> I got home from new york on tuesday and felt....so many things. I had so many revelations, so many strange unfoldings and curtains pulled back to show me myself. I don't really know how to put it into words the things that happened to me internally while I was wandering the rain drenched paths of Central Park...the things that crossed my mind laying face down on the massage table listening to the soft sounds of whispered chinese while having my spine readjusted.</div> <div> I found myself thinking about love. About how much I've come to love myself in the past three years. And about how I'm still not over the one and only person I ever loved and thinking maybe I never will be but that I have to stop running from the next love that might come anyday now...</div> <bR> <div> As I was talking to a friend who I am to meet in a few weeks time I began wondering what it would be like to give him a hug, a real flesh and blood and skin and bone and arms and bellies touching hug...thank god he doesn't come here and read this nonsense...*laughs* </div> <bR> <div> I'm so secure in myself for once. Secure in my singleness, in my celibacy, in my silence...I like this. At the same time I think I might be ready. Ready for what? For really, and truly giving without reservation.....but to whom and in what capacity? Love still seems too grand, too large, too beautiful to imagine right now...</div> <div> But I want someone to tell my secrets to....</div> <div> *keeps dreaming*</div> <bR> <div> 6-10-02 2:38 p.m.</div> <div> It's finally stopped raining ash on my city....*dusts herself off* Ok...safe to breathe now. Anyway...I am flying up, up and away in just one more day...*gets exicted* NYC....here I come...</div> <div> Well..regardless of poem feedback, I'm posting um anyway and if you really hate um, let me know and I'll take um back down...</div> <bR> <div> 6-04-02 1:45 p.m.</div> <div> I love my state sometimes. Summer is so...unpredictable, dangerous, gorgeous. We're in the middle of a drought and 100 homes have been burned down to nothing due to wild fires and last night was this incredible tornado warning/hail storm/thunder storm...the hail was the size of large marbles and pelted the leaves off the the trees. I remember one year, it hailed so much they had to plow the streets and since it was the middle of june the piles of hail were being evaporated by the summer heat, making weird fog and low lying mists. There's new art in Visual and I'm waiting to hear the response to some new poems..if I get a thumbs up there will be new poems in Output very, very soon.</div> <div> I took pictures of our garden today...</div> <div> <IMG SRC="0f6af830.jpg" border=0 width="175" height="131" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="0feaf830.jpg" border=0 width="175" height="131" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">             <IMG SRC="0faaf830.jpg" border=0 width="175" height="131" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="0fcaf830.jpg" border=0 width="175" height="131" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <div> 5-30-02 2:05 a.m.</div> <div> Seeking...always seeking...sometimes finding, sometimes coming up scraped and empty handed...I feel empty handed this time around..</div> <div> amazing things...so many amzing things...</div> <div> I am in awe all the time</div> <div> want to cry all the time</div> <div> want to laugh all the time</div> <div> want to be wanted</div> <div> want to be left alone to my work..</div> <bR> <div> *smiles* and underneath it all is the nameless pain</div> <div> but pain is good for art...*laughs*</div> <bR> <div> 5-15-02 5:52 p.m.</div> <div> Tomorrow is the wee little kiddies wee little graduation....yay! no more pee on the carpet! *laughs* no..I'm serious...</div> <div> Yeaaahhh...new poem in Output.</div> <bR> <div> 5-13-02 11:03 p.m.</div> <div> I'm sick. Again. I'm always sick. I'm a sickly little blob of sickliness. *laughs*</div> <div> But I'm a sick little blob with internet access, so really..it ain't all that bad. That and I get to indulge myself in one of my favorite things: slow tea drinking...</div> <div> yumm...anyway...I was going to write about dreams, since this place is called The Dream, but I've discovered I don't actually want to try and type it all out.</div> <div> so...that's the end of that idea. </div> <div> I always wonder what people want to read when they come here. And then I realize it doesn't really matter what they want to read. It's all about what I want to type and that's the end of it. LOL</div> <div> I'm just glad people seem to like this stuff. It means it hasn't been a complete and total failure. *laughsneeze* I need tea! grrr..arggg..*turns into an ogre*</div> <div>  My best friend got accepted to Georgetown...I'm full of mixed emotions. I'm so happy for her, so pleased...but I'm gonna miss that wench you know...</div> <div> anyway..I'm through sharing for the moment.</div> <div> Oi...new poem in Output.</div> <bR> <div> 5-11-02 10:50 a.m.</div> <div> I got home from work yesterday and collapsed into bed..it was 5:00. I slept from that time until 8:00 this morning. How freaky is that? Not only did I sleep straight through, my dreams were soo...ah..vivid and weird...I dreamed of a murderer who just wanted to be understood. *sighs* *laughs* no one has to explain to me what that dream was all about...*wry smile* my subconscious is not good with subtleties.</div> <bR> <div> Today I woke up alone, lonely..but with purpose to help me ignore the isolation. And I had a strange thread of thought...about how pleasant it might be to be a figment of some insane person's imagination. I thought about how so many of the things I think and say and write would make so much more sense if I weren't real and if I were just saying all the things the lunatic who created me was thinking.</div> <bR> <div> I have this feeling..this sadness that won't go away, but isn't sad enough to make dents in my life, or slow down my process or make me pause to cry.</div> <div> But it makes me do sad things...for instance, every other friday I wash the blankets the kids in my class use at naptime. As I was pulling them out of the dryer to fold them yesterday I found myself hugging them to me, feeling their warmth and then suddenly realizing that I miss something I have no business missing. That I miss someone I have no desire to miss. And then I was angry....*sighs* I'm losing my mind...*laughs* </div> <bR> <div> Some days I feel as though I've spent my whole life wanting to be noticed by the people I notice..the people I admire...not famous people... just, every day amazing people. It's as though I feel I don't quite exist unless someone sees me. And the parts of me I keep to myself begin to acquire this unreality because of being unseen. which makes them more and more bizarre...they develop an imaginary life of their own, my thoughts....</div> <div> *pauses* I'm over sharing.</div> <div> Well...really..who's reading this anyway? I believe I have a solid readership of about 3 people...and those people probably know all of this stuff anyway....*smiles*</div> <bR> <div> This is the longest post I've ever written. And I feel bad for writing it. For complaining vaguely when my friends are having actual problems in their lives and all I have is this...this...not-quite-almost-not-really-un feeling.</div> <div> What am I whining about? If I were not me, I'd scoff at myself. </div> <div> Wait a sec...I AM scoffing at myself...</div> <bR> <div> 5-04-02 1:45 p.m.</div> <div> I cannot describe the absolute thrill I get from buying shoes. No other purchaseable item makes my heart rejoice so much as a well crafted pair of heels or a sleek thigh boot....Oi...and my latest fetish is the SPORT SHOE! Those of you who know me know I do not do sports. And all throughout my teen years I managed to never ever own a pair of sneakers. WELL. Now I own four pairs within the last 5 or 6 mos...lol...*indulges in the coolness of sneakers*</div> <div> umm..yeah soo....*looks at her shoes and smiles*</div> <div> I forgot what I came here to say! O yeah....new poems in Output...</div> <bR> <div> 4-22-02 8:48 p.m.</div> <div> The internet is such an odd place...filled with pseudo-meetings and almost connections, loneliness and isolation...false perceptions and more importantly: real feelings. I mean..as much as I hate the internet, how cool is it to become entranced with someone's mind from 1000mi away without ever having truly met? and how cool is it to realize the depth of emotion that it is possible to achieve in the abrupt solidity of text? O..new images up in Visual, new poem in Output...</div> <bR> <div> 3-28-02 9:30 p.m.</div> <div> I'm home again...the trip was wonderful, which was to be expected. Babies are wonderful things. I was enchanted and spit-up on and it was all very nice. It's good to be home though. Good to be able to sleep through the night and good to be in a place where I already know the t.v. will be off all day all the time. LOL. New pics of me in the photo gallery and that's about it. I am feeling very good lately. I'm in a good place emotionally. A grounded, sane, serene place.....it's nice.</div> <bR> <div> 3-21-02 7:14 p.m.</div> <div> I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow. I'll take pictures. Maybe I'll post them. Maybe I won't. ; ) </div> <div> Many things happening in my personal life. I don't think I feel the  need to discuss them here...my need for oversharing is almost none at this phase in my development...I don't mind that things don't get said. I'm satisfied with not knowing or not sharing information. I'm okay with a separation of understanding and speaking out loud what is known. I am finding an enjoyment in the spaces, the gaps...and in being myself without having to explain who I am. I exist. I think thoughts. They may or may not end up spoken. I don't really care anymore. It's kind of a cool feeling. </div> <div> When I was younger I was often accused by a friend (who proved to be a a snake later) of telling but not sharing...meaning, I could make statements that revealed great detail without acutally opening myself to deeper emotional investigation. At that point in my life I felt that was a bad thing. Now I think it's great...I don't have a need to feel as though I am making myself crystal clear, nor do I need to defend myself against the scrutiny of others...there is a great peace in this for me...I should be packing now anyway...</div> <bR> <div> 3-09-02 9:09 p.m.</div> <div> I just made a new page called <B>photo gallery of foolishness</b> for all of you people who have complained that there aren't enough pictures of yours truly....there is also a new painting in Visual called Orchid and...ummm... I think that's about it...nothing else new or of note...I'm just stoked about going to see my aunt and her darling baby girl soon...*happy*</div> <bR> <div> 2-27-02 11:27 p.m.</div> <div> Things are better...healing...calming...I have been painting more...I suppose I'll post the stuff soon. Just as soon as I winnow through the crappy stuff to find the less crappy stuff...lol I'm not making no promises though! And as far as strange email goes...keep 'em coming, they entertain me at work! gotta catch some zzzzzzs....O, yeah...new poem in Output...//exeunt stage left</div> <bR> <div> 2-16-02 10:11 a.m.</div> <div> grief....even my teeth hurt...a friend has gone from living to unliving in the blink of an eye and no time to say good bye...I know he wanted it this way....but I'll miss him nonetheless...*blows kisses carried on the wind*</div> <div> bubbles...sleep well this long eternity...</div> <bR> <div> 2-13-02 7:17 a.m.</div> <div> Have you ever known someone whose life crossed yours only briefly, but left their finger prints on you like tattoos? what do you do? hmmmm..</div> <bR> <div> 2-11-02</div> <div> My aunt had her baby....joy and elation.....*grin* *kisses for all*</div> <bR> <div> 2-03-02 11:25 p.m.</div> <div> So tired...this job is great, but takes so much energy....must retire in a moment to bed so I can rest my weary head..*melodramatic* *laughs*</div> <div> I love this....this...being alone and not caring...</div> <div> *sighs* *revels*</div> <div> the stars are very bright tonight...*waits for warmth and roof gazing*</div> <div> good night...</div> <bR> <div> 1-25-02 10:10 p.m.</div> <div> Have you ever had something that lived in the back of your mind..that hid in the caves and recesses of your hollow memory...darting through like a minnow in fast moving water...</div> <div> *sighs* *mizuko...*</div> <div> I think I'll always carry that sadness somewhere in the places I don't go willingly....*silent, nothing more to say*</div> <bR> <div> 1-21-02 1:02 p.m.</div> <div> Yummy japanese snax make me happy.....=) Jumbo Pink Daifuku and Mango Flavoured Conjac Jelly with the lychee centers...not to mention the Meiji Gummy Choco candies... in Muscat and Strawberry flavours...</div> <div> *big happy grin*</div> <div> Oh yeah...and being back in my element too...tooling around the heart of downtown with my good friend E....cackling, hissing and booing the various irritations of our adult lives...lol if I eat anymore of the Gummy Choco's I'm gonna be sick tho...*eats just ONE more* hee hee...</div> <bR> <div> 1-18-02 9:19 p.m.</div> <div> It's amazing what one single half day off from work will do for your creativity....*sighs* I played around with some new water color crayons and experimented with gluing old fashioned paper drinking straws together.....lol...the straws thing is promising to be interesting....organic in a molecular way....if it doesn't suck, I promise to take pictures and post them.</div> <bR> <div> *is so happy to have monday off* *dances for joy*</div> <bR> <div> 01-11-02 8:11 p.m.</div> <div> Have you ever been swept way by someone? Not necessarliy romantically speaking...but simply..blown away by what is behind the eyes of someone new? That is where I am right now....GrAsSy..where ever you are...thank you for everything....*hugs you*</div> <bR> <div> 01-10-02 10:55 p.m</div> <div> Early Footprints on Learning conference all day today...the coolest thing I got out of it was green apple scented play dough....lol</div> <div> I'm insane! </div> <div> But only one of me is insane, so it's okay. The other one is perfectly alright....*hides the nutty one in a box in the attic*</div> <div> *dances like a ballerina to no music*</div> <div> *stares out of the window into the cloudy night sky, pretends to see stars, misses a certain star-gazer already*</div> <bR> <div> I am totally psycho right now....but ya'll don't care, right?</div> <div> You can't even tell the difference...</div> <div> *babbles incoherently, plays with shiny stones*</div> <div> I am exhausted now...going to bed....*passes out on the stairs*</div> <bR> <div> 01-04-02 11:38 p.m.</div> <div> Work is good. Home is good. Bro-in-law is good. Being rid of a cerain false person is totally good and getting packages in the mail is better. =)</div> <div> I am in a wonderful mood, but too tired to tell you about it...mwah ha.</div> <div> night!</div> <bR> <div> 12-28-01 0:30 p.m.</div> <div> I posted two new poems in Output...that's about it...things around here are decent, no real complaints...writing a lot...no painting yet. I need drop cloths first...*misses old house with tile and hardwood floors*</div> <div> eh....</div> <bR> <div> 12-24-01 1:00 a.m.</div> <div> I finally found the cam...here's me with no afro...don't I look tired as all hell? I am...but that's okay...tomorrow will be filled with much sleep.</div> <div> New art stuff in Visual...oh, and a new poem in Output. I'm amazed: I haven't gotten any mail telling me how crappy any of this is.</div> <div> *is in wonderment*</div> <div> *falls into bed* *snarrrrxxxxxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 12-23-01 1:10 a.m</div> <div> Okay...stressed to the limit...</div> <div> My brother in law is in the hospital in the ICU....stable condition....</div> <div> *is with him is spirit to will him well* </div> <div> Anyway...so many new life developments that will never be discussed here to protect the phony identities of the parties involved....and I straightened my hair tonight. That's right ya'll, the afro is GONE. I now have hair down to my collar...It's weirding me out...I haven't had hair on the back of my neck for about three years...I used to shave the back from the ears down...I'll take pics as soon as I can locate the lost digi-cam....oh yeah...new poem in Output..don't ask me, it makes no sense, I know.</div> <bR> <div> 12-16-01 10:30 p.m.</div> <div> Dontcha just hate it when the dead won't stay dead, when the past won't stay past and interrupts the present?</div> <div> *sigh*</div> <div> I'm gonna go hide in the cemetary...the dead there are far more reliable.</div> <bR> <div> 12-15-01 11:10 p.m.</div> <div> For anyone who cares, my first day on the job went very well...I get to meet the children on monday...yay! I am so tired...after I update this, it's off to bed with me. New poem in Output...</div> <div> *sighs*</div> <div> Today when I got up it was balmy and beautiful, sunny, warm and friendly...now it's 20 degrees and snowing. Sometimes I really hate the unpredictability of the weather here...*watches the snow fall*</div> <div> I guess winter is finally here for real.</div> <div> *snuggles down into the blankets to hibernate*</div> <div> See you all again this spring.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 12-12-01 9:16 p.m.</div> <div> Munty is back. I'm glad to see him again. Wars were fought over his possession; stragems planned to gain him. I won in the end. *congratulates herself*</div> <div> For a monkey hand puppet, Munty sure has a lot of history...</div> <div> Anyone who wants to know the full story can ask me about it.</div> <div> *plays with monkey puppet and talks to herself*</div> <div> Other news: I start work on friday...yay! I'll be a teacher's aide in a preschool class...fun, fun, fun...</div> <div> O, and my baby friends Liam and Patrick had their very first day of preschool today....luvs ya babies! </div> <bR> <div> 12-10-01 1:00 a.m.</div> <div> I am so exhausted. Finally all moved into the new house, but far from settled in. I want to unpack with the same energy and determination with which I packed in the first place, but I can't seem to find it. I did, however rearrange the furniture in the basement and hook up the washer and dyer. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to work the dishwasher, but I'm gonna have a boy do that tomorrow...lol...my cat has finally emerged from her lair beneath my bed to explore her new home, but she does so slowly and with her fat belly grazing the floor. I have no clue where the digital cam is and I don't really care. As I write this I have no net access and I don't care about that either. All I want is for my telephone to work and for some magic genii to show up when I open the dryer who will unpack my life and give it back to me tidy and aesthetically arranged. *sigh*</div> <div> And if he could fix all the little plumbing bugs so that the toilet in MY bathroom works, that would be great too....</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 12-04-01 12:30 a.m.</div> <div> I am more tired than the concept of hot pink and neon green anything. I want to lay down and sleep into the new year. I think I wanna go to bed now...but I posted a brand spankin' new poem in Output. Just so's you know. *sighs* I need to get some rest. Another long long day lies before me on the other side of 7 hours.</div> <div> *passes out face down on the keyboard* *snnnnaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrxx*</div> <bR> <div> 11-30-01 10:40</div> <div> Once again, I find myself bitterly enraged due to the stupidity and brazen idiocy of other people. Well actually, just one other person. I'd blast him out of the water using his full name, but I feel that I am above such petty, immature behaviour. A certain individual who has and will always remain anonymous has requested that I "remove all references to" him from this site. I have granted this partially, but feel that erasing my personal weblog of anything remotely to do with him is going beyond reason. This is MY site. And MY thoughts and MY expression of MY emotions. NO ONE has the right to limit or censor my expression unless what I have written is blatantly untrue, libelous or slanderous.  For this reason, most of the persons referenced are nameless. If they can recognize themselves, that is their problem...</div> <div> Additionally, if YOU are still coming here to read my weblog, YOU need to let go. YOU know who you are. Jerk.</div> <div> OH and the GOOD news is that we got the keys to the new house tonight...there is always a silver lining...lol</div> <bR> <div> 11-29-01</div> <div> I just want to transcend...</div> <div> And when I do, I will send postcards, but no forwarding address.</div> <div> *closes eyes and practices transcension*</div> <div> One of these days....</div> <bR> <div> 11-25-01 2:00 a.m.</div> <div> Meathead's web hole is a place...I can't tell you about it. I can only direct your attention to it...go to the links section so you can fall down the web hole and come out a different person....I gotta go to bed now....seriously....</div> <bR> <div> 11-24-01 1:40 a.m.</div> <div> I have no idea what to write about here...how about love? k...love it is. Flat out and honestly, I don't want to deal with the word or the concept at the moment...I hear it around....tossed off like penny candy and in everyone's mouth...but it just isn't making much sense to me at the moment. And I don't just mean romantic love...I mean the entire idea of an affection that can be labeled so roundly and nonspecifically...love. I love steak. I loved that movie/song/car/show.</div> <div> I love to dance. I love to sing. I love french fries. I love you.</div> <div> Where is the meaning? Where is the line we draw which gives the word depth? I don't know...but I know I don't trust it at the moment, I find it hard. To think that what I mean when I say love is the same as when you say love...how can it be that all the things I connect to that word have corresponding connections in your head, your heart? What if I'm taking it very seriously and you only mean: hey, I really like your jokes? What if I mean: hey, you are too cool; and you think something entirely beyond my meaning...how can this one word be the hinge upon which relationships of all kinds swing?</div> <div> It's so easy to just assume...but that, I think, can be a deadly trap.</div> <div> So now...now, I think....what is this love I hear you speak of?</div> <bR> <div> 11-23-01 1:40 a.m.</div> <div> I'm so tired....but wanted to post about how strange it is to have to go through every thing I've ever accumulated in my life to decide whether it is refuse or worthy of relocation...my fingers came away stained and fingernails broken off...but to re-read my turbulent adolescence scrawled across the pages of dozens of notebooks was....an experience...who I have been, who I am not now, who I try to become...all there in ink or fading pencil...no hiding from my own crazy thoughts when they are all concrete in words and fully formed ideas before my eyes. Contemplating all the unhappiness and being amazed at the hope and joy that has been my share lately...and I realize: I deserve to be this happy...don't we all?</div> <bR> <div> 11-20-01 12:32 a.m.</div> <div> Thank you to all of you who have given me positive feed back about this place....it means so much to me to hear from you...</div> <div> *blows kisses to you all* </div> <div> Just remember: French films and Coffee houses are a wonderful way of life...I am thinking thoughts like a pond of koi...you all are in there somewhere...</div> <div> *she babbles incoherently off into the dreamscape horizon*</div> <bR> <div> 11-19-01 10:00 p.m.</div> <div> I have so much hope...so many joys and wonderful expectations...My life is filled with light and who needs one single day to give thanks for it? I have every day I live to give thanks for it.</div> <bR> <div> 11-18-01 11:30 p.m.</div> <div> Maybe I will get the comics back afterall....no matter...other things on my mind, darker things, heavier things, deeper waters. I came, I saw, I shellacked...so many futures laid out and connected like a string of pearls; I often count them off though I know their number by heart. I wonder when the blossoming of thick winter cold will begin, perhaps tonight will be the night...</div> <bR> <div> 11-17-01 10:00 p.m.</div> <div> Have you ever gotten a piece of second hand news that is supposed to shock you, but doesn't in the least? Have you ever had a tie severed so throughoughly there is no way to recoup your losses or regain what was yours? That sense of having walked out of a fire with only the clothes you wore, and your investments gone up in smoke.....I hear he's married....which does not surprise me. I just wonder when....must have been this week. I'll never see my kabuki comics ever gain, I can feel it.*sigh* I'm gonna go shellac something.</div> <bR> <div> 11-14-01 11:45 pm</div> <div> Maybe I want to talk about disappointment.....the way you feel when you have such hopes, such expectations, such dreams, and though unfounded, they feed the spirit. I dreamed of many things, and woke to find the world around me colder than I liked. Colder and with a deadened potential that made me wish to sleep again, and sleeping, dream. One day I want to open my eyes and find in reality the wonderful potential I had dreamed of.............</div> <bR> <div> 11-13-01 Midnight...oh yeah...</div> <div> So many things have happened....a friendship ended, one that was ended renewed for a trial period, a new home looming on the horizon and there is finally art that I can take credit for in Visual. Go look.</div> <div> It's gonna get hectic here before, during and after the move, but I promise to update as often as I can. I can't promise it will be anything worth even looking at, but so what. I don't care.</div> <div> I should post more poetry, but I want to take down what is up already first and change the format. But first I have to figure out how to logically archive what was there before I do that.</div> <div> Anyway, I just wanted to let every body know that my art was finally making it's debut, that accomplished, I'll leave it to you to decide what you think of it.</div> <div> p.s. none of my match making worked out. I pouted for a while, but thus is life, eh? O and I promise to start updating from the top one of these days....like...TODAY!! Yee Haw. Stop complaining now.</div> <div> You've been heard. No more insane amounts of scrolling. At least, not on this page anyway. And really, how lazy are you to not want to scroll a little on the other pages...like, say, Input and Output, and maybe Visual?</div> <div> I'm not gonna cater to everyone. So::::just::::stop::::asking. And I do mean that in the nicest way possible. =)</div> <bR> <div> 11-06-01 12:20 am...</div> <div> I'm waiting to see the out come of some things...I'm a match maker like no other and my little chickens are on a date right now....sqeeeeeee! I hope all goes well, I've got my fingers crossed...oh, and Megatron? This is your little shout out....I love you and your pasty pale whiteness, don't ever tan baby!</div> <div> And remember: don't touch my afro, I will kill you.</div> <bR> <div> 11-04-01 12:40 am...</div> <div> *sigh*</div> <div> So many things I want to post and so very little time for development. You'll all just have to make do with new eye candy posted at Visual and this little blurb..I have been informed that I should post from the top to limit scrolling, but I'm so lazy it's gonna take forever before I seriously change the layout of the site, okay? okay.</div> <bR> <div> 10-27-01 2:42 p.m</div> <div> Okay...why do I hang out with boys at all? I know they'll just make me do stupid stuff which I'll cringe at the next morning...</div> <div> Last night I chilled with a couple of guys and ended up eating part of a dog biscuit, followed by peppermint schnapps, followed by Tums, followed by a lime popsicle, followed by a shot of lemon juice concentrate, followed by a shot of straight sherry, followed by 3 or 4 ounces of soy sauce right out of the bottle, followed by part of a can of Guinness(which tasted just like a match because one of the doofs wanted to test it's alcohol content by attempting to set it on fire) followed by more Tums and ginger ale while I watched the two of them snort a line of Blast Off Berry Koolaid each. I'm not gonna name any names to protect the idiots (including myself).....but dudes, you are both NOOGES!!!</div> <div> I'm gonna have to find more enlightening companionship one of these days....</div> <bR> <div> 10-21-01 12:08 a.m.</div> <div> Girl talk is still better than T.V. </div> <div> And no matter what they do to it, soy will never taste like real ice cream. Never. It can , however, taste just like chicken nuggets.</div> <div> Also: Japanese postcards rule, keep 'em coming! You know who you are...and that I love you...you are the homegirl.</div> <bR> <div> 10-19-01 1:04 p.m.</div> <div> I'm so tired. I'm trying to relearn how to sleep without sleeping pills, and it isn't going well. But I had a great night last night despite the exhaustion. Punk boys still rock.</div> <div> And the new Johnny Depp movie From Hell rocks too.</div> <div> Mad love to Joey for hooking me up at VI last night...god bless the boy who knows how to feed hungry, cranky girls.</div> <div> And to anyone who might even think of commenting on my foot wear: Wing tip steel toe boots are where it's at. No questions, no dissension, eh?</div> <div> Oh, and the pink haired pretty boy featured in my little narration on breaking up is going to be a male model now. Go figure. Good luck dude.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 10-13-01 late night...</div> <div> So my good friend surprises me with tickets to the sold out Janet Jackson concert tonight....woweee!!!!</div> <div> What a show.</div> <div> Tim: THANKS DUDE!!!! You Rock, VIP.</div> <bR> <div> 10-13-01</div> <div> So I guess I'm happy now that the site is up and running...Now I can just sit back and let the constructive criticism roll in like the tide...</div> <bR> <div> 9-20-01</div> <div> Still haven't decided whether this is a good idea to continue working on. The things I'd want to talk about are not necessarily the things I'd want people to read. Hmmm...why is that? What with the world in turmoil, what do I have to say that isn't petty?</div> <bR> <div> 9-10-01</div> <div> I haven't worked on the page in a while....I think I'm just still hovering on the verge of something and don't want to have anything permanent to be committed to that will tie me down...I'm thinking the web site idea may be too much for me at the moment. I think I don't want the pseudo-responsibility of updating regularly or the contact with web surfing bloggers who have better sites than mine...too much pressure..the question is, how long will I procrastinate before I scrap this project?</div> <bR> <div> 7-16-01</div> <div> Okay. I've been checking out other peoples web sites and I wonder if I should try and fit my thoughts here into some sort of journal form...</div> <div> I hadn't planned on it, seeing as how I have a journal already; one of those nice leather bound ones....</div> <div> But it seems to me that other people's lives make good reading. Escapism at it's most voyeuristic.</div> <div> But I'm not certain whether I want my life, my friends, my personal stuff however edited to be splashed all over the net like so much spilled milk.</div> <div> I guess what I wanted was a forum to present my creative side without the pressures and anxiety of up front rejection because I'm a huge chicken when it comes to my work. So maybe I'll try to stick to that dream and see what kind of feed back I get. If it's positive I'll try to keep up the format, and if it's mostly negative I'll change it according to any useful suggestions I may receive.</div> <bR> <div> 7-14-01</div> <div> This is my first site. I'm not a blogger or a web wizard,  just an ordinary girl with a yen to provide unordinary content. By nature I am slightly chaotic. I am excited by turbulence and have no wish to bore either you or myself with predictability. Look for me to post thoughts on anything from weather to literature, philosophy to comic books....look for me to change the look of the site a few times until I get my bearings. I'm new at this. Be patient.</div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>