The Dream

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=626695" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#6666FF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="04200760egblyg.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#330066" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Eyes Closed, Free Falling</b></FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#CC3399" FACE="Times New Roman" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#3300FF" FACE="Times New Roman" >  </FONT><B> |     </b><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eyes Closed, Free Falling"><U><B>home</b></U></A></div> <div> <B>The Dream</b>   |   <A HREF="id27.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Output"><U>Output</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="dreamlog "><U>dream*log </U></A>   |   <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Archive of output"><U>Archive of output</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" Links"><U> Links</U></A></div> <div> *my life has gotta be in here somewhere...*</div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=193 BGCOLOR="#6633FF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="http://www.livejournal.com/users/objectsubject" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.livejournal.com/users/objects"><U><B><IMG SRC="172644b0.jpg" border=0 width="100" height="75" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></b></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Daveyfied Nation"><U><B><IMG SRC="156644d0.jpg" border=0 width="100" height="77" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></b></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#6633FF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>The Dream</b></div> <div> 02 december 03</div> <div> Finals next week, 1st anniversary of my dad's death...blah blah blah</div> <div> there's your update. New pictures of Davey in Davey-fied Nation, new set of poems in output and that's really about all...</div> <div> O, wait, I almost left out the part about me and the singing thing. I got conned into singing for a friend while drunk and the results have been interesting. Mostly because he's talented as hell. Check it out. Click on him, click on him!!</div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.deadmurder.com/?artist=DEEPINNERVOICES" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.deadmurder.com/?artist=DEEPIN"><U><IMG SRC="1d2644b0.jpg" border=0 width="100" height="75" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> 20 october 03</div> <div> Yeah yeah yeah...I know, I've been neglecting this place. Again.</div> <div> But honestly, who the fuck ever checks this place out? It's essentially dead to me. Like it's in a vegetable state being held to life by a respirator, feeding tube and I.V. Besides...all the pop-up ads are murder and I'm too cheap to pay for them to disappear.</div> <div> Go to my livejournal instead, it gets updated almost daily.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> 29 august 03</div> <div> I've joined friendster.com and I've got a livejournal to say all the things I won't say here...omg, I'm officially a net whore!! *gasp*</div> <bR> <div> 20 august 03</div> <div> So I am a student again...not that I ever stopped learning, but now I have the student ID to prove it...oOwah</div> <bR> <div> 6 august 03</div> <div> *feeling shaken* violation of privacy, but how big a deal is it?</div> <div> Do I make a fuss or let it slide? Given the situation, and given what I know about the person in question, should I simply chalk it up to my own naïveté and roll with the punch? Ugh...in any case, I should hope not to have to get ugly about it....</div> <div> I just really and truly value my anonymity, my lack of distinguishing features or pinpointable details, you know?</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 19 july 03</div> <div> Somehow I managed to find the meaning of that old saying "a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"</div> <div> My reach is extended now, much further than it has ever been before.</div> <div> I have found something worth the effort of grasping. I will have to work twice as hard as I ever worked in my life, but I want to.</div> <div> For the first time, my suicidal tendency to refuse to plan head has been abandoned to push  for a future that, though uncertain, seems to fit the person I wish to become.</div> <bR> <div> 14 july 03</div> <div>  For some reason I've been trapped in this inert state of contemplating who I am, where I am, where my path lies and how to get there...</div> <div> In the meantime, while all this unfolds in my head, my body is doing nothing. Wasting time, day dreaming about potential...and we all know that potential is nothing if action is not supplied to it to forge it into something more solid. What am I doing with my potential?</div> <div> I paint, yes, but why? I write, yes, but why? In the even that I learn to play the guitar (which is looking possible) I could be writing music, but again, WHY? I have no ambition. This lack of ambition makes all the things I do for fun, for the joy of doing them seem lacking in purpose. What I crave is a normal life and pursuing any one of these artistic endeavors with any sort of verve seems only to lead me further and further away from the quiet, sheltered life I look for.</div> <bR> <div>   And it doesn't really help that I'm off the meds that were to help regulate and manage my depression so now all I want to do is sleep all day...sleep and dream and lay in a mire of my own thoughts, my own wishes and unspoken hopes...at the same time I'm busy with things that need taking care of,  going out and being social, but my inbetween times are filled with nothingness. </div> <div> A nothingness that should be filled with more spiritual pursuits, more intangible self-aware goals, but I can't seem to find the core of energy in me to do this, to self analyze and motivate towards positive change...I guess the only plus to this is that when I get this frustrated with myself it is always a prolific time for me, writing wise...lol</div> <bR> <div> 01 july 03 midnight</div> <div> I'd apologize for not updating this place more regularly, but to be honest I don't think anyone comes here anymore, I don't think anyone cares anymore...which is not a bad thing, just less reason for me to fiddle around with this place. Not a whole lot I really feel like sharing, aside from my obsession with A.F.I and no one wants to hear anymore about that than they really have to...lol</div> <div> Since I've been having problems reemerging from my self imposed hiatus, I'm posting a poem I wrote a year ago...enjoy or don't.</div> <div> I'm ultra apathetic at the moment.</div> <bR> <div> 21 may 03</div> <div> So I've been neglectful of this place for a while, the way you neglect a garden when the weeds in your personal life become more rampant than the weeds in your cucumber patch...I would write about the anger or the frustration, the crazy waves of hatred thrown hard against the warm wind of love...but I have no words to express the strangeness I feel and I doubt anyone would want to fight through the tangle of thorns these things present. so yeah...I'm just...here.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> 27 march 03</div> <bR> <div> These are ink blots from Emode.com's Ink Blot Test...</div> <div> They look vaguely soothing don't they? </div> <bR> <div> Sometimes I'm afraid I'll be angry for the entire rest of this life...that I will never be able to lay it aside and live quietly. There is so much for me to be angry about...*sighs*</div> <bR> <div> So it's me and my vodka and my punk rock and my rage...a cozy little trio,</div> <div> we're old friends...</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="18f90370.jpg" border=0 width="400" height="311" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="19190370.jpg" border=0 width="400" height="311" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> </td> </tr></table></body>